Opinion Pieces

Welcome, God-Emperor Trump

Jesus Christ.

What the shit are you on America? Are those new marijuana laws you voted in affecting your mental capacities already – even before you had your new legal joint? What in the name of all that is holy do you think… I’m sorry, I’m sorry… let me take a breath… I need to welcome in the new leader of the world properly.

As foretold in the true-to-life story Attack On Titan, our great leader Trump will now build a wall to keep out the man-eating Hispanics to the south. He will bring forth legislation whereby all straight white men will get considerable monetary reparations for the years of mistreatment they have suffered because of the colour of their skin while women, gays, Muslims and people of colour have had a free reign to make them miserable (this estimated to be going on since about the time that black people started getting uppity about sitting at the back of buses). No more of that, all shall return to the hand of the white man, as God, who looks suspiciously like Donald Trump in all depictions now, intended. From the great leader’s bowels he shall bless God’s own country by taking a dump all over the progressive legislation that has been passed in the last few years, let us repeal that so that all Trump supporters may live with their freedoms intact, no matter the rights of others.

Other countries and their diplomatic needs? We’re not having any of that nonsense. That climate change agreement in Paris can go screw itself, it’s a myth and we’ll keep saying it’s a myth even to the point that Miami, which is full of dirty Clinton traitors anyway, goes completely underwater. America gets its energy America’s way. Russia? They will not stand against our might and if that snivelling little worm Putin says anything against it I’ll show him my finger on the nuke button. They will respect strength.

I seem to feel that other countries do not consider us great. We will make them rue that assumption. A war against some provincial backwater here and there will make them all fall into line. Once other countries fear us, they will seek our protection, and we will give it, generously and for major concessions, for it is all those non-American barbarians deserve.

Truly a great day for our previously downtrodden and oppressed peoples as Donald J Trump will sweep all of his rivals away and truly MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.


My head feels clearer now. Seems like I got something malevolent out of it. Well, at least Brexit looks good by comparison now.


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